Mr. Fantastico

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The procedure my wife had done a year ago is called, Adiana. It’s a permanent birth control method that is less invasive to tubal ligation and works by stimulating your body’s own tissue to grow in and around soft inserts that are placed inside a women’s fallopian tubes. Based on three years of clinical data, Adiana is 98.4% effective in preventing pregnancy once the doctor confirms that the fallopian tubes are completely blocked. Pretty much the procedure builds an impenetrable wall; well that’s what the research shows.

A couple months ago Tiffany starting feeling nauseous, her body starting aching in certain parts, and so she went and bought a pregnancy test. To our surprise the test came out positive. I must of shaken that pregnancy stick about 20 times like it was some kind of magic eight ball while screaming inside my head, “THIS IS NOT MY FORTUNE...THIS IS NOT MY FORTUNE!!!” Initially we were worried because the pregnancies, if any, after this particular procedure are usually ectopic. Ectopic pregnancies are detrimental to a women’s health, so we immediately made a doctor’s appointment. To our surprise, again, the Ob-Gyn came back with the results with a look of bewilderment on her face and says, “this baby is firmly planted in the uterus”. Of course, I respond with the proverbial question, “HOW?”. She says, “well two things had to happen, your little swimmers had to make it through the procedure, and her fertilized egg had to come down”. I respond, “How if we had the test done to make sure this procedure took place?”. She smirked and replied, “With everything still in tact, I wouldn't be able to tell you until after the pregnancy. There was a 2% chance of pregnancy with this procedure and 90% of the time, of that 2%, it’s ectopic. Which leaves only a 0.2% chance of a normal pregnancy. I mean this is fantastic that this baby could be in the uterus against all odds. I think this baby might come with laser beams coming out if its eyes.”

So you’re telling me there’s a chance
— Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber

Now, at first, when I heard the improbable statistics along with laser beams, my ego kind of took over. I couldn’t help thinking that I was some kind of superhero who leaps buildings in a single bound, and this was going to be the golden child that was going to cure cancer or something. But then I became really angry, I mean...really angry. I felt like getting in my car and driving off the highest parking garage in Miami at the thought of diapers, and late night feedings, and milk vomit. To think, some couples try so hard to have kids and can’t. Here we are, trying so hard not to have kids, and end up getting pregnant against all preventative measures.

Mr. Fantastico

Mr. Fantastico

Mr. Erratico 

Mr. Erratico 

Well, after going through the five stages of grief in 10 seconds or less, I quickly thought of the bright side to all this. First, for whatever reason, God wants Tiff and I to parent this child. Second, with these odds, I might as well play the lottery...because I’ll probably win.